Post #5 Attempt

I promise you that this has an end goal so just hang in there.

Now as you can tell based on me being in this class, you know by now that I am still in fact alive. But if things had gone to plan like I had wanted them to, that would not be the case. I had made the decision to take my own life but I hadn’t decided how or when or anything like that. I just knew that it needed to happen and I wanted it to happen as soon as possible while still having it spaced out enough between the deaths of my friends so I didn’t step on anyone’s toes (weird mentality about it I know but I was thinking irrationally at this point). After months of thinking, I finally came up with a plan of how I was going to do it. The when was not planned. I feared that if I had a date that somehow it would slip out and then there would be people to stop me. I refused to let it happen.

So one morning I woke up, and I could feel this heaviness. It didn’t feel bad, but it wasn’t the best feeling in the world either. I felt numb and heavy. I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t even tell who I was anymore. I was pale, the life had been sucked out of me with this incomprehensible sadness that fell over me. I knew that this day would be the day. It was the night of the first pre-season tennis practice. All of my friends would be there. My coaches would be there. I would get the chance to say one last goodbye before I would say goodbye to this mortal life.

I went to the practice and everything seemed to be normal. I forced a smile on my face and I pretended like nothing was happening and that everything was fine. The practice was done and I thought that it would be the last day that my friends would see me. I then began to drive. As I got more out of town and onto roads that were not plowed as well, I began to drive faster. I slowly pushed my foot harder and harder on the gas. I could feel myself losing traction on the road. As soon as I felt that I was losing control of my car, I closed my eyes, and everything fell silent.

Out of nowhere, I heard a girl crying. It sounded like it came from inside my car. I opened my eyes and looked in the back to make sure there was no one in the car with me. I was right, so I continued with my eyes closed. Then it got louder, but this time I heard two different people crying. I kept my eyes closed. Now these individuals were talking among themselves. Then more and more individuals came into my head. I could pick out some words and some of these voices were saying “The last place I saw him was at school. We ate lunch together and everything seemed to be just fine.” I could also hear “He was so happy, things really always seemed to work out for him in the end.” this went on for what felt like hours, and then all at once they all said “And we had no idea.”

I came back into reality and opened my eyes. I slowly pumped my breaks as I was on pure ice. I slid a little bit into the ditch. I sat in my car and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I started to think that maybe there was a different way for me to break this pattern. I couldn’t tell my parents what was happening, but I knew I needed to talk to professionals about the situation. However, I did not know that my parents would soon find out that I had attempted to take my own life by these people who I told. My parents came right to the school and I was on my way to the emergency room.

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